[ Restless days and nights aren't anything new to Nao. Between the hunger constantly gnawing away inside her, the cumulative caffeine from the coffee she consumes to suppress her unseemly appetite, and, since the beginning of February, so much restless energy vibrating within her due to a dramatic reduction in the number of focused daily activities she would have used to assist in managing the Hunger and its related issues, sleep is an infrequent bedmate. It's often missed. Last night was no exception and had seen her up at the table by the fireplace working on clothes for Rella.
Working, thinking, turning her attention inward to the tangled mass of threads of thought and feelings she's allowed to accumulate and make her head and heart so unkempt she wound up making it someone else's problem. Shameful, that. The bitter taste has her clicking her tongue as she faces it, picks at the sticky knots, questioning it, them, herself. As she looks at many of the ugly things she'd cut or put to the side as she's walked through the new year, she sighs quietly.
It's past time to tidy the immediate portion of her web. Questions that need answers, things she should address, decisions to be made are spread as stars in the night sky, a web of seemingly random constellations dotting what used to be the living room's ceiling.
Some will be resolved come morning. Some will be gone. Some will be new. Some will be connected. As she spins her threads, her eyes look past the fabric, needle, and thread in her equally busy hands into the abyss below, a raw, black emptiness like a gaping maw.
She's so hungry. She's afraid, but not of Kazuya. He'd borne the brunt of an outburst long in the making. Made a convenient target given Will and Strohl's issues with him and her experience aswell, her knowledge of his power and familiar prejudice about his native world, her... her concern for her friends' health and safety, their lives. At the personal level, she's used to looking out for herself. It's been her and her alone for the longest. Here it's not and newly realized emotions have met with her own prejudice echoed by haunting memories from late November. Not of Bas, no. She isn't afraid of Bas, but the feelings, the fear, the powerlessness, the degradation of her being from the very moment she was contracted.
Talk of humans and demons and monsters, of subjugation, domination, eating people, murder, death. Not whispers, but active discussion, questioning, shared experiences, formulating judgments. The first, painful loss of a friend, how much more roughly the Hunger has pressed her recently. It crippled her not even two days ago, shaking her and clawing at her insides. She was too weak and it was near ravenous. Her appetite for blood, for flesh had reared itself despite her nausea due to her inability to keep anything down. It had taken so much more than usual to pick herself up off the ground, to force herself to drink, eat, keep it down, her food and voice, but she had.
She'd cleaned herself up and carried on as if everything was fine yet again. She's good at it. Naturally, she hadn't stirred even an ounce of suspicion, not a peep of a question; and then, Basilio asked her to put up a new arrival from his world, someone he deeply respects. He trusts her, knowing what he knows, what she's told him.
Of course she'd said yes. Been excited, even, to have a housemate. She still is despite herself. She hasn't had a housemate before. Wouldn't begin to know how to properly host one, but she's trying, and not just for Bas, but for Rella and for herself. She's trying despite her concerns that something in this world might make her lose control of herself, the Hunger ravenous. Even now, she's so much more energy due to the dramatic reduction in her daily activities with a certain loss. It's a great nervous energy that's obviously fed into her excitement, but she's too good for anyone to catch those adjectives, too quiet despite her loud, too secretive.
It's how she's survived. Being present in the world, having friends, maybe relaxing, opening up a little, trying to live -- the jury's still out on a couple of those, but they're all new. It's big adjustments, uncertainty where she's been sure on her own, not being quite sure how to meter her steps, caring on a personal level for certain people, how to be with them.
It's one thing to observe others and empathize with them. It's another to experience things yourself. Apparently easier to get tangled up in things, too. Her usual self-management strategy is going to need adjustment, she realizes, as she spins her threads and moves the stars throughout the night.
Some are resolved. Some are gone. Some are new. Some are connected. Come morning, they fall from the sky. The maw below opens wide and rises to claim the fallen stars. Everything fades into nothing. The floor and ceiling restored and Nao, with a soft sigh and a more level head and heart, reaches for her phone. ]
Morning, Rella. I hope you slept well.
Do you have a minute? There's something I need to say.
Rella considers writing out her willingness to assist. But that last sentence gives her pause. Perhaps what Nao wants is not someone who is willing to help, but willing to listen.]
Of course. I really can come and listen to you in person if you think it would make it easier for you.
[She is still trying to decide what to do for the day. But she will always put people first.]
I want to apologize for putting you on the spot on the network yesterday.
[ No excuses. She's better than that. That she isn't doing this in person feels strange enough, but this isn't about her and her comfort. It's about Rella. ]
I should've asked if you wanted to engage with everyone through the network and how you wanted to do it. I should've considered your feelings.
[Rella focuses her attention on the message, the outpouring of emotion and regret, and sees something of herself in the apology. If there are two emotions she understands, they are guilt and regret. Either alone are enough to make one fret and panic, so she answers immediately. She understands how it feels to be waiting for forgiveness that never comes.]
Thank you. I'm perfectly happy with how everything turned out but I somehow feel that won't offer you comfort.
[ Reading Rella's words on the screen, Nao feels a small bit of relief. It's kind of odd, almost itchy in a way. It isn't that she's too proud to admit when she makes a mistake and, or apologize. She never would have survived on her own if she had been because she never would have learned. Still, apologizing to someone isn't something she's done often in the past almost decade. Even here, she hasn't apologized to others often.
Rella is right. It's the forgiveness itself that yields that relief. That the other woman is happy with the results isn't exactly comforting; though, Nao is a little happy some good came of it despite her actions. She had intended well, just sort of selfishly botched the execution a teensy, tiny bit. ]
Thanks, Rella.
[ She means it, informal as it is. ]
I'll try to be better about things in the future. This kind of thing is still pretty new to me. Well, lots of things are. I mean, it's weird to ME and that's probably saying something, not that I'm sure what's exactly NORMAL or what a good host is supposed to be.
[ Did someone order some word salad without true noun specification? ]
[ Nao tilts her head very slightly and takes a moment to reread the question. Together is the opposite of alone. She would know, having been alone for so long. It's something she's found she likes during the past three months, but... ]
Rella knows this is exactly what friends do. But she has struggled to be close to anyone outside her closest circle. Partly out of concern of what they might think of her. Partly out of concern for their lives.]
I suppose you're right. In fact, that's something my sister would say.
[She's reminded of Junah in a way. But Junah is hardly as... shy isn't the quite right word.]
[ She thinks it's probably an older sibling thing. In fact, now that she thinks of it, she's pretty sure it is, but... isn't Junah from the Nidia tribe and Rella Ishkia? That must mean... ]
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TEXT | un: pink.cloud | 2/7, Morning
Working, thinking, turning her attention inward to the tangled mass of threads of thought and feelings she's allowed to accumulate and make her head and heart so unkempt she wound up making it someone else's problem. Shameful, that. The bitter taste has her clicking her tongue as she faces it, picks at the sticky knots, questioning it, them, herself. As she looks at many of the ugly things she'd cut or put to the side as she's walked through the new year, she sighs quietly.
It's past time to tidy the immediate portion of her web. Questions that need answers, things she should address, decisions to be made are spread as stars in the night sky, a web of seemingly random constellations dotting what used to be the living room's ceiling.
Some will be resolved come morning. Some will be gone. Some will be new. Some will be connected. As she spins her threads, her eyes look past the fabric, needle, and thread in her equally busy hands into the abyss below, a raw, black emptiness like a gaping maw.
She's so hungry. She's afraid, but not of Kazuya. He'd borne the brunt of an outburst long in the making. Made a convenient target given Will and Strohl's issues with him and her experience aswell, her knowledge of his power and familiar prejudice about his native world, her... her concern for her friends' health and safety, their lives. At the personal level, she's used to looking out for herself. It's been her and her alone for the longest. Here it's not and newly realized emotions have met with her own prejudice echoed by haunting memories from late November. Not of Bas, no. She isn't afraid of Bas, but the feelings, the fear, the powerlessness, the degradation of her being from the very moment she was contracted.
Talk of humans and demons and monsters, of subjugation, domination, eating people, murder, death. Not whispers, but active discussion, questioning, shared experiences, formulating judgments. The first, painful loss of a friend, how much more roughly the Hunger has pressed her recently. It crippled her not even two days ago, shaking her and clawing at her insides. She was too weak and it was near ravenous. Her appetite for blood, for flesh had reared itself despite her nausea due to her inability to keep anything down. It had taken so much more than usual to pick herself up off the ground, to force herself to drink, eat, keep it down, her food and voice, but she had.
She'd cleaned herself up and carried on as if everything was fine yet again. She's good at it. Naturally, she hadn't stirred even an ounce of suspicion, not a peep of a question; and then, Basilio asked her to put up a new arrival from his world, someone he deeply respects. He trusts her, knowing what he knows, what she's told him.
Of course she'd said yes. Been excited, even, to have a housemate. She still is despite herself. She hasn't had a housemate before. Wouldn't begin to know how to properly host one, but she's trying, and not just for Bas, but for Rella and for herself. She's trying despite her concerns that something in this world might make her lose control of herself, the Hunger ravenous. Even now, she's so much more energy due to the dramatic reduction in her daily activities with a certain loss. It's a great nervous energy that's obviously fed into her excitement, but she's too good for anyone to catch those adjectives, too quiet despite her loud, too secretive.
It's how she's survived. Being present in the world, having friends, maybe relaxing, opening up a little, trying to live -- the jury's still out on a couple of those, but they're all new. It's big adjustments, uncertainty where she's been sure on her own, not being quite sure how to meter her steps, caring on a personal level for certain people, how to be with them.
It's one thing to observe others and empathize with them. It's another to experience things yourself. Apparently easier to get tangled up in things, too. Her usual self-management strategy is going to need adjustment, she realizes, as she spins her threads and moves the stars throughout the night.
Some are resolved. Some are gone. Some are new. Some are connected. Come morning, they fall from the sky. The maw below opens wide and rises to claim the fallen stars. Everything fades into nothing. The floor and ceiling restored and Nao, with a soft sigh and a more level head and heart, reaches for her phone. ]
Morning, Rella. I hope you slept well.
Do you have a minute? There's something I need to say.
no subject
Rella considers writing out her willingness to assist. But that last sentence gives her pause. Perhaps what Nao wants is not someone who is willing to help, but willing to listen.]
Of course. I really can come and listen to you in person if you think it would make it easier for you.
[She is still trying to decide what to do for the day. But she will always put people first.]
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[But isn't that what she's doing now? She winces and immediately fixes it.]
Sorry. Please continue.
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[ No excuses. She's better than that. That she isn't doing this in person feels strange enough, but this isn't about her and her comfort. It's about Rella. ]
I should've asked if you wanted to engage with everyone through the network and how you wanted to do it. I should've considered your feelings.
I'm sorry, Rella.
no subject
Thank you. I'm perfectly happy with how everything turned out but I somehow feel that won't offer you comfort.
For what it's worth, I forgive you.
no subject
Rella is right. It's the forgiveness itself that yields that relief. That the other woman is happy with the results isn't exactly comforting; though, Nao is a little happy some good came of it despite her actions. She had intended well, just sort of selfishly botched the execution a teensy, tiny bit. ]
Thanks, Rella.
[ She means it, informal as it is. ]
I'll try to be better about things in the future. This kind of thing is still pretty new to me. Well, lots of things are. I mean, it's weird to ME and that's probably saying something, not that I'm sure what's exactly NORMAL or what a good host is supposed to be.
[ Did someone order some word salad without true noun specification? ]
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Lots of things are new for both of us. Not to mention strange to the point of being concerning. So why don't we worry about them together?
[Anxiety breeds contempt and resentment. It is a burden she understands should be shared, rather than endured alone. And yet...]
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Isn't that what friends do?
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Rella knows this is exactly what friends do. But she has struggled to be close to anyone outside her closest circle. Partly out of concern of what they might think of her. Partly out of concern for their lives.]
I suppose you're right. In fact, that's something my sister would say.
[She's reminded of Junah in a way. But Junah is hardly as... shy isn't the quite right word.]
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[ Rella can't see it, but Nao smiles. ]
She's smart as a whip. You must be very proud of her.
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[She is very proud of her younger sister, thank you very much.]
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[Big sister things.
Still, Junah did possess a habit of getting herself involved in dangerous games. She really did make her worry.]
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[ She thinks it's probably an older sibling thing. In fact, now that she thinks of it, she's pretty sure it is, but... isn't Junah from the Nidia tribe and Rella Ishkia? That must mean... ]
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[But Rella is the sort to worry about everyone.
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